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The Pain You Hide From The World

June 10, 2021 my world changed forever, I had been having cramping on the left side of my pelvis for about three days. When I was woken up with the most excruciating pain I have ever felt... let me take that back it felt like I was going into labor but on the left side of my pelvis only. I tried heat, ice, ibuprofen and no relief. I was thinking to myself this is just an ovarian cyst and it's starting to rupture, that is all you are feeling, it will go away, just get up and go to work you will live. I get to work and by this time my pain is at a nine on the pain scale and I am sweating from the pain, I spoke with our OBGYN nursing staff they said Sara you need to be seen in urgent care this doesn't look like just a cyst bursting go get looked at it. So I gingerly walked down to our urgent care checked in and the first thing they ask is could you be pregnant I say no I haven't had a menstrual cycle since before my daughter was born they are thinking I'm not able to have anymore and I have only been off my birth control for 6 weeks. So the provider comes in I am telling her whats going on she immediately says I am having the nurse give u a shot of Tramadol and she is wheeling you to the ER I think you are having an Etopic miscarriage. I said really??? Is all this necessary it's got to be just a cyst I can't be pregnant they said my levels are too low to get pregnant. She looked at me and said Sara , you are going to the ER!! So within 5 minutes I was over the ER and in my bed there, they asked me again could you be pregnant I said NOPE!!! I was seen by many nurses and the doctors. They said let's do some blood work, get some scans done and see what's going on and hey let's get a urine sample just to be on the safe side. I have never seen an ultrasound tech, lab tech and nursing staff (to administer morphine) in a room so fast... granted I work in healthcare so in my head I am going oh shit this can't be good. After being in the ER for about 30mins my ACE gets there and asks what they think is wrong. I said they keep asking me if I'm pregnant and I laughed ... he looked at me and said boo you probably are, you have been crazy emotional for the past 6 weeks. I looked at him and said yep okay you know everything like he was crazy. An hour later my ER doc comes in and says well dear you are pregnant but we think you are having a miscarriage. I said shut up I am not! She said I can assure you that you are pregnant! I look at ACE and he's laughing and says I told you!!!! And that time my thoughts were okay well it is what it is, and I didn't feel an attachment to our baby I was losing. It turned out that yes I was indeed pregnant but the baby was stuck in my left fallopian tube which is why I was in so much pain. I was lucky enough to not need surgery. They just had me take some oncology meds to help eliminate what was left from my fallopian tube. I continued to tell everyone for the past two and half months that I am fine and I don't feel the loss. But the truth is I have been lying through my teeth, I can't help but think what if that was my last chance to give my daughter the sibling she so badly wants (she constantly asks me for a baby sister). What if that was our son that I want to give Ace when he's ready to have one. And the guilt I feel daily for feeling relieved that I was losing the baby when I originally found out because I was in a state of shock. I am not sharing my sadness or my story for people to feel sorry for me. I don't want anyone's pity. I am sharing my story because I know there is someone else who is going through what I went through and needs to know however you are feeling it's okay and it's also okay for your feelings to change over time and it's only natural to feel grief and sadness when you lose a child weather you have known for ten minutes or ten weeks. Please know that I am here for you as well as many other women who have shared your pain.




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